Celtic Illumination, part 122, Wax on, Wax Off.

I’m sure that it will come as no surprise to you, to learn that routine is a big part of forces life.  One routine at Valley was the weather ship.  Every morning an experienced pilot, normally one of the instructors, known as a QFI, a qualified flying instructor, would take a jet off for a spin around the local area to check out the weather, especially in the mountains.  Ergo; the weather ship.  As with all routines, now and again, they are broken.   If the QFI was about to be posted and if this was his last flight at Valley, then tradition demanded that he beat up the airfield.

The pilots would always try to outdo each other, so that as well as swaggering into the bar, with the top button undone, they could lay claim to some maniacal sortie.  A buzz would flitter around the station everyone passing on, in whispers, the fact that so and so was taking his last jolly.  Normally they would just beat the airfield up and give a fine demonstration of their skill, one fellow I remember came in as low as a train and scared everyone witless.   We shall not mention the crazy fecker who flew under the Menai Bridge and frightened a train load of passengers, who were passing over his head, en route to Holyhead.  We shall not mention that, heads will roll.

Another good day for flying would be the station open day.  Everywhere had to be polished and ironed and the local population would be invited on to the base to enjoy some great flying and of course, see the people who had been scaring the local sheep.  Aircraft from all over the RAF would arrive as would aircraft from the USAF or other visiting squadrons.  There would be helicopter displays and if lucky the Red Arrows would arrive and thrill the crowds.  The children could climb all over the fire engines, or hold a gun and shout bang, and a great day would be had by all.

We of course would be under great scrutiny, not from the public but the failed fast jet pilots.  As the air traffic squadron was known as Queens Flight throughout the station we would be expected to be turned out very well indeed.  This year, the year that I am thinking about, the air traffic lads decided to go to the Trearddur Bay hotel for a few scoops of beer.  It was a good turnout; I think it would be safe to say that there would have been twenty to twenty five of the boys there.

As I mentioned before Tim Lort was quite an accomplished rugby player and you know what happens when you pour beer down the throat of a rugby player.  That’s right, he starts to sing.  The bar was heaving, I mean really, really, full.  But it was summer and we were all youngish, say around twenty years of age.  There must have been fifty Welsh lads who responded to Tim’s rugby song by singing back at him.

Tim fired up another song and we joined in, as best as we could, supporting him.  The Welsh lads then came back with another song and so it continued.  I was with a young fellow called Peter Browne.  Peter would have been the best turned out fellow at Valley, he even ironed his fecking underpants.  Peter, I know, reads this blog every day and is fine with me telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about him.  He runs a bombing range in Saudi Arabia these days, so if you would all like to turn towards Saudi Arabia and wave to Peter. Hello Peter.

Anyway, Peter and I sensed that the mood of the local Welsh chaps was changing and getting rather dark.  We knew that there was going to be trouble, well; we couldn’t be sure, but we decided to move our chaps out of there.  Peter agreed to move among our fellows and get them to leave their beer and get outside.  I went into the toilets and dark corners to make sure we didn’t leave anyone behind.  Peter waited for me in the centre of the bar.  I came out and was pretty sure that there was going to be trouble.

Peter and myself guided all of our chaps out and were confident that no one had been forgotten about.  Luckily there was only a single doorway so I remained in the doorway to slow down the growing gang of Viet Taff who were most definitely coming after us and who were most definitely looking for trouble.  I turned to face them and knew that my training would see me through.  I remained calm, as I had been trained, and tried to pre-empt the first strike.

What I wasn’t aware of was that the Viet Taff actually had their own form of Martial arts.  It is known as Yakidaa, pronounced Yack-e-da.  It is a very complicated process but basically what happens is they shout things at you in Welsh.  This surprises you and as you try to, not just understand what they said, but translate it, the victim is disorientated and the first blow can be struck.  A very clever ruse on their part

I held my own, as you would expect.  I mean there was only about thirty of them.  Peter Browne was encouraging all of our guys to get in their cars and get away.  He says that he turned to see me exit the doorway like a cork from a champagne bottle.  He probably won’t admit it, but I most probably did it in a most graceful way, well; with legs like mine what else would you expect.  As I was in a heap on the floor, which is a technical term we use in martial arts, I probably haven’t got the time to explain it.  If you’ve seen the film, The Karate Kid, then you will be aware of the move he executes at the end, the crane, well lying in a heap on the floor is an ancient Irish martial art move. 

Luckily for me the Viet Taff went after the main body of guys.  I can remember seeing Vince giving a good account of himself in the car park as I lifted myself off the ground, sorry, as I sprang back to my feet and adopted a fighting stance.  I decided to go into the reception area of the hotel and ring the police to see if they would like to come along and sort this mini riot out.  I went in to the reception area and was quite surprised to see that none other than Norma, my ex, was the receptionist.

I didn’t have the time to have a little chat with her, but did manage to call the police who assured me that they would come along.  Unfortunately the following morning the head failed fast jet pilot, the SATCO, was quite disappointed for not one of us could walk in a straight line and as for marching, forget it.  There was a decent collection of black eyes, busted lips, missing teeth, skinned knuckles and a general air of weariness from the chaps, but you know, I think it brought us all together as a team.  Ah, I know, okay big group hug. 



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About celticillumination

Celtic Illumination produces unique Celtic themed candles/craic pots and Tartan Candles. It is (as far as we can tell) the only company in the world to produce 'real' Tartan candles. Most tartan candles are plain candles with a tartan sticker applied. These Tartan Candles have a Tartan pattern run all the way through the candle. Rather than the old adage of "pile it high and sell it cheap" Celtic Illumination does not import in bulk from Asia, or anywhere else for that matter. instead of filling a whiskey glass or tea cup, with wax and adding a wick, we have created something Celtic. Hand made, hand finished, from scratch in our workshop. Even the Celtic Knot range of candles are made from scratch in our workshop, Each candle has a 10mm deep Celtic knot that runs all the way around the candle, other companies stick their Celtic knots on with glue or something similar. Celtic Illumination claim to be the best candle company in the world and they probably are.

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