Celtic Illumination, part 223, Look deep into my eyes.
One should never begin any form of address with an apology, yet I find that this is what I must do today. I’m apologising for the fact that I am veering away from the main narrative of this blog to address certain issues that affect us, The Illuminati. I have to admit that I was a little disheartened with the blog and how it was performing as I tended to focus on the statistics given to me from the WordPress blog site. You probably think I’m sat sitting here with a glass of the finest Irish whiskey, a quill pen, some vellum, a roaring turf fire and a view over some mist draped, rolling hills, and you’d be correct. But most Bloggers are fixated on the statistics and spend a lot of their time on Google analytics, which I have to admit for a mathematics nerd like myself is a great hoot. This blog goes out on a number of different platforms and the only other platform where I could find statistics was the Bloglovin platform. I had followed all the pointers I could find from my extensive research on blogging and after six months felt that a total of six hundred and ten followers between those two sites was good, but not that good.
Yesterday I had my computer consultant with me. Chloe is one of those bright sparks that everyone is jealous of because not only is she very beautiful but she is very intelligent. I’m not jealous of her, I love her to bits, but perhaps that is because she is also my ten year old granddaughter. Chloe and I were discussing the blog when she told me to scroll down to the bottom of the page. I did and was quite surprised to see that there was another statistic there that I had known absolutely nothing about. It said that I had two thousand two hundred and seventy five people following this blog through e-mail. I now discover, through adding the two figures together, that I have just under three thousand people reading this blog every day. That’s three thousand members of The Illuminati.
Three thousand is still a little bit away from my goal of world domination but it’s a great start and it’s all down to you, The Illuminati, for without you this blog would be nothing. It’s you the reader who makes it what it is. I know I have a little bit to do with the success of the blog, but mostly it’s all down to you, and I do thank you all and I do think of you all as I write. There’s Pradesh over there in India who, the moment he has read his daily blog, heads out to scour India for a six foot six Indian, with his own turban, who wants to come to Ireland and be butler to the King of Ireland. There’s John Hughes, one of the finest rugby players I have ever seen in my life, sitting in his bank in Canada, dreaming of sheep. Peter Browne, yes that Peter Browne, riding a camel around his bombing range in Saudi Arabia shouting, ‘Come on you boys in red!’ Angela in Southport, England, who refuses to feed, or wash, or dress her children until she has had her daily fix of this blog.
Can you imagine five hundred people turning up to a medical conference, doctors and surgeons, to see Ken Clare come out on stage, pull out a carpet knife and ask. “Have ye met Stanley?” Nick Clarke over in the Norfolk Broads chasing birds all day long and his poor suffering wife Anne, giving patients Chinese burns behind the consultants back, who has accepted the fact that, where her husband is concerned, once a Pheasant Plucker, always a Pheasant Plucker. Even worse would be the Bodkinator in Lisburn, so frustrated that she knocks people teeth out until she gets her daily blog fix, or down south, Ed Mooney running about the countryside taking photographs of dry stone walls and forcing the poor American tourists to buy them as they are art. Can you imagine James Oreck over there in California, one of the world’s leading disc jockeys, sitting there, in all that sunshine stroking his pet cat while secretly dreaming of being a transvestite, bare knuckle, pugilist in Ireland. He would think differently if he had to fight the King of The Gypsies in Crossmaglen town square on a wet Friday night wearing a pink two piece, a full set of pearls and six inch, Christian Louboutin, heels.
Even dear old Tim Lort, the head of search and rescue over there in Trinidad and Tobago. Can you imagine the operations room? Tim sitting there on his throne, two flunkies, one either side, fanning him with ostrich feathers. A blond on his knee feeding him grapes, Tim’s Navy so it could be a girl blonde or a boy blonde, you know what these matelots are like. The hooter goes; the triangulation devices pin point the casualty and Tim shouts ‘Go, go go!’ to the six pilots standing to attention in front of him. Of course he’s not telling them to go and rescue some poor sod, he’s telling them to race against each other by downing a pint of gin and tonic with the winner going off to perform the rescue. Yes, you see, I do think of you all, even the worst of the lot, John Clancey, who after spending so long in jail, where you would think he learned some lessons, now overseeing a huge drug smuggling operation on the Isle of man. And I also think about why some of you follow this blog. I know some of you want your children to train for the illustrious profession of Master Candle Maker and some of you will be successful. Some of you probably have Celtic connections and wish to not just be a part of your clan, but lead it. As the High Chief of the Clan O Neill of Tyrone, the most famous clan in the world, you will know that only by being chosen at birth, by God himself, can this position be achieved, so stand down.
And King, some of you may dream of holding such high office. I have told you that I always picture you lot, now I ask you to picture me, standing on a hill side, in my best kilt. At my feet my two Irish wolfhounds, in one hand a glass of the finest Irish whisky and the other my hurling stick. Now admit it, do you really have the legs for it? Some of you may even be interested in becoming a writer and if you do my only advice is to read. Read anything and everything but especially the Writers and Artists handbook. This is the source of knowledge for all writers and even gives the rates of pay for whatever form of writing you are involved in. It also suggests that to be a successful writer you must be prepared to write seven hundred and fifty words each and every day, there is no such thing as a day off. The more mathematically gifted among you will have realised that this blog is fifteen hundred words long, each and every day.
You’re probably thinking genius, he does twice the work of two fellows, but don’t, think more along the lines of split personality. That right there’s two of us writing this bog. There’s me, that’s me myself, and then there’s the other me, him, or as I call him, himself. And don’t be thinking ying and yang, black and white, good and bad, think more along the lines of mad and confused. There you go, now that you understand what is going on I want you to relax. I want you all to relax and breathe easily because today is a special day, I’m going to hypnotise you all. Now don’t worry, I am not going to interfere with you while you are hypnotised, what do you think my name is, Peter Browne? Just relax and look into my eyes. I said my eyes Lynn, you filthy minded harlot.
When you are under my spell I am going to plant a suggestion in your subconscious. I’m going to ask you to think of someone you trust and like. Someone you think would appreciate reading this blog and being a member of the Illuminati. Sleeeepy. Now that you’ve thought of that person I want you to hold their image in your minds, if there more than one that’s fine, there’s going to have to be quite a few of us for world domination. Your eyelids are very heavy. When I bring you back I want you to contact that person and suggest to them that it might be a good idea to join the Illuminati, tell them to ignore the rumours about us in the press. If you don’t believe me just Google ‘Illuminati.’ Your limbs are very heavy. In a day or two we should have six thousand Illuminati. By Christmas there could be a million of us, so once again I’m sorry, I’m going to have to keep hypnotising you, but I won’t be as blunt as I have been today, just keep reading between the lines and you’ll understand exactly what is going on.
So, I’m sorry that I had to detract from the main narrative but I’m sure you all wanted to know the latest news from the Celtic Illumination power house, the home of the Illuminati. You’ve all made this a successful Blog and I’m sure many of you will contribute to this becoming a very successful blog and I really do thank you all for your support. I would even go so far as to thank the evil, criminal, mastermind John Clancey. Normal service will resume tomorrow and there will be no need for any further distractions or technical broadcasts. So, read the blog, return to your communities and prepare for world domination. And I’m now going to count to three and click my fingers at which point you will be wide awake and feel refreshed and will remember nothing I’ve said. One, two ……….